I’m awake. It’s way past my bedtime, but I can’t sleep. Both of you girls are here next to me in bed, breathing slow, rhythmic, deep sleep breathes. I’m reflecting tonight and looking back at pictures of you, sparkle, when you were the jewel’s age. I’m in tears. Where did the time go? Who is this preschool aged girl that has somehow replaced my firstborn? Why does it seem like a lifetime ago, and why is there such a disconnect in my brain between that baby and the young girl you are now? It’s like I blinked and you grew up. My memories are failing me, but thank goodness I’ve taken so many pictures. They bring back those treasured moments.
Am I failing you? I think this often. You are such a sweet, kind, funny, inquisitive, creative and innocent child. And I yelled at you today. You didn’t even do anything wrong. You just wanted and needed me. And I was tired and I yelled. I messed up today. It’s been weighing heavy on my heart because you are my light. You are my everything and I was wrong today. I never want to break your spirit or darken your innocence. Looking back at pictures tonight, I’m reminded of how lucky and blessed I am to have you. I need to do better.
I’ve been at home with you girls for almost 5 months now and I’m really enjoying it. Yet, I applied for a job today. What am I thinking? How could I ever leave you girls now that I know the joys (and the trials) of being home with you full time and knowing everything about both of you and being the one to witness your growth and all your discoveries?
The truth is, there’s a part of me that longs to go back to work, to find fulfillment in a career outside the home. There’s a part of me that feels like maybe I’m not doing enough, that there is no “prestige” in raising my two beautiful daughters and that I need to be out in the work force contributing somehow. And then the guilt of those thoughts slaps me hard in the face when I look at you two. How could there be anything more prestigious, more righteous, more upstanding than devoting my life to ensuring that my children are loved, supported and cultivated in a way that could bring so much goodness into the world. It is an investment in this world’s future. What could be more prestigious than that? Nothing. Honestly, nothing. Then why did I apply for that job?? What a torn heart I have about it all. I wish I could have/do both.
Laying here in the dark and my heart is aching for you girls. The love I feel for you both is so strong and overpowering that it sometimes physically hurts. It’s a love I had never experienced before you both entered this world. It’s all consuming and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You are my reasons. My bests. My Everythings.
I will do better tomorrow. I promise.
I hope one day you know the love I feel for you both.
All of my soul, I love you.
Mommy Em. ❤️