We are now 3 months into our journey! I seriously cannot believe it. It’s going by very quickly and I’m trying to soak in every moment. We have completed the first trimester now. Do you know what that means? It means we are out of the most dangerous part of the process!!! This is real? This is really happening? You’re really going to be joining our family??!
I am both ecstatic and terrified. Ecstatic because I already love you so much. Every time I hear your heartbeat and when I saw you up on the ultrasound screen last week…words cannot even describe the joy and the love I feel. I’m over the moon! I am terrified because I’m not quite sure how I’m going to be able to handle all of this. I’m terrified of failing as a mom. I’m terrified someone is going to suffer. Will I be able to provide enough love and attention for you, your sister, your daddy, and me? How do other women find the strength and the confidence? I’m terrified of failing you. I won’t let it happen, but I’m scared in my devotion to you, your sister and your daddy, something else might have to give. I’m just not sure what that is yet. But pushing that anxiety aside, my excitement over you cannot be contained! I find myself smiling at various times in the day when I think of you. People must think I’m crazy. Who is that crazy lady smiling to herself in line at the grocery store? If they only knew it was because there was a tiny little human life, heart beating, fingers moving, legs kicking inside my own body maybe they would smile too. 🙂
My thoughts have also shifted to your gender. It’s so hard not to think about that. That’s a big part of who you are and who you will grow to be! I have a very strong feeling this time of what your gender is but only an ultrasound can confirm my suspicions. With your sister I had suspicions but they weren’t super strong. And of course my suspicions last time were wrong! Haha! This time around, I feel much more confident in my suspicions and almost certain I am correct! I can’t say why I feel this way, I just do. And if there is one thing that being a mommy has taught me, it’s to always trust your gut. More often than not it’s right. I haven’t shared with anyone whether I think you are a girl or a boy, but my heart is definitely swaying me one way. Regardless, I am so excited to find out!! I love knowing the little bean inside of me and starting the relationship with you this early. I get to bond and love you while we are connected in one body and before anyone else. It’s truly an amazing thing! We find out your gender in 3 weeks (eeeeeep!!!) and I haven’t decided how we’ll tell the rest of the family yet, but I’d like to make it special. It’s news everyone will be waiting on!
I also had my very first dream about you a few nights ago. It was so surreal. You were here monkey!! You had arrived! In my dream I had just given birth and you were in my arms, snuggly, cooing and healthy!! It was amazing!! I was so happy! But there was one thing in my dream that was troubling me. I couldn’t remember the birth. I had no recollection or memory of it. Not one little trace. I was freaking out because birth is one of the most amazing things anyone can ever experience. It’s a true miracle of the universe! And I couldn’t remember it?! I was beside myself trying to figure out what happened. I woke up shortly after that. I wonder what it all meant? Maybe nothing haha, but maybe it means that the birth will be uneventful (which is a good thing!) and you will cross over to this side easily and be happy and healthy! That’s all I can hope and wish for.
Happy 3 months and end of the first trimester to us my little bean. I love you so so so much and am so thankful for your existence already.
All the love in the world,