I debated whether or not I should post this here for you to read, monkey, but I’ve decided it’s a part of our family and it’s a part of what makes us the parents we are. You should be a part of it too…you are a part of it.
Today is the due date for your little angel sibling that came before you. It’s such a surreal feeling. If all had gone the way we had wanted, we would be welcoming a new baby into the world right about now (when you’re older, we’ll tell you whether it was a brother or a sister, if you want to know). This brings up so many mixed emotions my love. I’m going to try to organize my thoughts as best as I can…
I wanted that baby so badly. I knew from the beginning something wasn’t right. I had a sinking feeling, deep inside that took hold over me. After we saw the baby’s heartbeat, everyone reassured us that this pregnancy would be fine. I never believed them. I felt like a crazy woman, standing in a crowded room screaming for help and no one would listen. There wasn’t anything anyone could do for your sibling…our baby. It just wasn’t meant to be. I was angry for a very long time after we lost the baby. I was angry with the doctors, I was angry with friends who said insensitive things, I was angry with the universe…but really, all that anger was a front. The person I was really angry at, was myself and I didn’t want to face my own anger. I was angry at me for a few reasons, for not fighting harder and louder for the baby when I knew in my heart something wasn’t right, for doubting my instincts as a woman, for letting others convince me that it was going to be okay, when I knew it wouldn’t, for not doing everything in my power to protect your sibling. I failed. My body failed. It is the biggest failure of my life and I will live with that forever.
Daddy was there by my side for the lowest point in our relationship to date. He knew I blamed myself and he knew how much your angel sibling’s passing had changed me…inside. He was always the shining light in all of it. He got me through the worst days I’ve ever been through. One thing you have to realize, is though the physical damage heals relatively quickly, the emotional and mental damage takes a lot longer and if not dealt with properly, can fester and become a huge infection. Your daddy wouldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t see past the present moments of misery, but he could. He saw you, monkey. He knew you were coming. Though I couldn’t see you, he kept his focus on you and tried to get me to do the same.
When we learned you were on board…omg I cannot even begin to tell you the amount of sheer joy you gave me. You pulled me out of that deep, dark, black hole. But in all honesty (as you’ve read previously) I was SO scared. I didn’t want to lose you too. If I lost you, I knew I would lose myself. I’m not sure I could handle a pain like that again. Your very existence saved me…this is how much I want you and how much I already love you. I made you a promise in the beginning…I would do EVERYTHING in my power for you, to ensure you were/are safe if you agreed to hang on inside me. It was the best deal I ever made.
In thinking about what today signifies it’s a very strange place to be. I miss your sibling…our baby…so much. I still love that baby and think about that baby. Today is a definite reminder how much my heart bled for that baby. But I also know that you are now with me…we are anticipating your arrival in a few short months and I am beyond ecstatic. You, my little Costa Rican monkey, are my reason for existence now. Nothing else in this world matters to me more than keeping you safe, healthy and warm until the day I stop breathing. You are the baby that the universe meant us to have and I am thankful.
So, on this day, the day mommy and daddy were supposed to meet your angel sibling, I mourn the loss and remember that baby, but I also rejoice in your life and in knowing you will be here soon and you have, yet again, saved me from what otherwise would be a very dark day. A very strange kind of day indeed.
I LOVE YOU BABY EM, and that’s a little insight into our family and the love we have for you! You are truly the rainbow after the storm.