I don’t know if this is going to be a one-time kind of post or if I may want to share these passing emotions and thoughts on a regular basis. Let’s just go with it today, though. The topic for today? Becoming a mommy. What do I mean by that? Well, you’ll find out pretty quickly, my little monkey, that I am not one of those naturally maternal women. You know the kind I’m talking about…the ones who mother all their friends and their friends kids and their husbands. It’s just in their nature to take care and love and nurture all the people in their lives. I’ve never understood them, but have always admired them. Where do they find the energy? And where to they find the urge to want “mother” something/someone. I’ve never been this type of person…ever. Neither is your grandma (and I turned out great! I think…), so I’m guessing I get it from her (thanks Mom!). I, by no means, think it’s a bad thing. It’s just a different thing. I am who I am and I’m okay with that. It’s not a natural part of me to ooh and ahh over people’s babies and kids. Unless they were related, I pretty much ignored babies my whole life. Now that I’m going to have a baby of my own, well my actions have sort of changed. I…kind of….ooh and ahh over other people’s babies, but still nowhere near most women haha.
However, you should know monkey, that I am fiercely protective and fiercely loyal. I mean this in the most fierce way. Hence the bolding haha (I get this from both your grandma and your grandpa who are the exact same way). Your extended family can vouch for this. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my family. No length I wouldn’t go to. If I consider you family, I will fiercely protect you (emotionally, mentally, physically) to the best of my abilities or die trying. It’s true. I’m a stubborn woman and this is just something I cannot compromise. Protecting and defending my family is worth all the blood, sweat and tears that may come with it. I mean, they’re family! In reflecting on my non-maternal-ness, I realized, hey I might not be the girl you think of when you think “mommy” and babies, but I think the qualities I do possess are actually great for a mommy to have…almost like a mama bear…fierce.. So while it isn’t instinct for me to immediately want to pick up a crying baby (okay I admit it’s like nails on a chalkboard to me and one of my hugest pet peeves is to hear a kiddo cry and whine…ugh, sorry but it’s my truth!), I think we’ll be okay, my love. I think with you it will be different. You will be more than family to me…you are a part of me, a piece of me. If there is anything in this world that I would want to protect and defend, it would be you. And that puts my heart at ease. I may not be Martha Stewart or that perfect stay-at-home mommy who is on PTA and bakes cupcakes every afternoon and keeps the tidiest house, but I’m thinking you and I will be just fine. I will love you. I do love you. I will and do love you more than anything in this world…even myself. Monkey, always remember that.
I have a confession, I got a little frustrated today because I realize that you will be here in 5 (very short) months and that really isn’t a lot of time to prepare. So pretty much everyday I scour the internet researching baby products like strollers, and cribs, and baby carriers. In addition to that, there’s learning about breastfeeding and using disposable diapers or cloth diapers. So much information and so much to learn and your daddy and I have to decide what we think will be best for our family. It’s a lot to tackle for a girl who isn’t “maternal” and never babysat growing up. And of course, there’s all the unwanted and unsolicited advice you get from strangers telling you what they did and how you should do it too. (Um, I don’t know you, and surely you realize that our experiences might be different. And if you did know me, you’d know I don’t make decisions based on anecdotal information or case experiences. Show me the facts, the studies that have done research to prove one way is better than the other. I want all the information and then I’ll make an educated decision. If you’re not prepared to do that then please shhh your face up.) <—Wow, sorry tangent, apparently I’m pretty annoyed by this haha. Moving on………..there’s just so much to do to prepare, but then I stop and sit back in a moment of silence and reflect, and I remember you are there, in my tummy. And we are together…living as close as two human beings possibly can. I feel you move. My heart smiles the hugest smiles when I feel you. And then I realize…I don’t really care about all that stuff. Your daddy and I made you. I am growing you. You. You are part of both of us. When you come into this world, we’ll know what to do. The only thing you will require is love. And let me tell you, there is plenty of that to go around in our house. You were made from love and you will be loved.
I feel a lot better. Thank you monkey. You put this whole crazy world in perspective. I suspect I have a lot more to learn from you. ♥