I hate that word. I really do. It’s just so not me. I’m the type of person that likes to be in control and that way, I’m never insecure…I trust me. I trust my abilities. That’s a great thing. Making a child is not like that. You are in no way in control of it. It’s biology. Pure and simple. It’s natural. It’s like your heart pumping. You can’t tell it to stop. It just pumps. Same with growing a child. Your body and biology take over. The machinery that we have evolved goes to work and, barring any profound mistakes in genetic coding, transcription and translation, will create and grow a tiny human being. You just have to let go of the reigns and let it happen. Relinquish control?! Ha! That is the hardest thing for me in the entire world. I want to supervise, I want to intervene if necessary and do everything in my power to make sure the job gets done and that it gets done correctly. I want to be the foreman on call. Is that so much to ask?
How did women do it years ago when we didn’t have all this technology to monitor and obsess over every little detail of the pregnancy? My mother in law was telling me that when she was pregnant, you had to wait until you were 6 weeks along to even get a positive pregnancy test! And it was a blood test that you had to go into your doctor’s office to receive! What?! At 6w2d I was seeing your beautiful little heart beating on the ultrasound screen! How times have changed. Back then, you didn’t get an ultrasound; you didn’t even know if you were having a boy or a girl until you gave birth. In this day and age, you can get ultrasounds weekly and listen to the baby’s heartbeat on a fetal doppler, and get blood tests. All of this to ensure the pregnancy is progressing as it should. But does it really help? I’m not so sure. I mean the more access I have to you, baby monkey, the more scared, freaked out, insecure I get.
Confession. This fetal doppler is making me crazy. I don’t know if I love it or hate it now. Sigh. Thursday night I wanted to check in on you so I whipped out my handy dandy doppler, put the gel on my tummy and started searching for you. It usually takes me about 10 min to find the most beautiful sound in the world, your heartbeat. After about 45 min I was getting really frustrated and really scared. I decided to wait until your Daddy came home. Maybe he’d have better luck. When Daddy came home he tried, unsuccessfully for another 30 min. At this point I was really freaking out. He said we’d try again as soon as he got home from the gym. Okay. I waited. And waited and watched the minutes tick by and desperately wanted your Daddy to be home. Finally, I heard the garage…he’s home! I thought. I immediately whipped out the doppler again and asked him to try. He searched and searched for you monkey. Where were you?? An hour later and I was crying hysterically, had locked myself in the bathroom and wanted to call my doctor for an ultrasound, though I knew she would think I was crazy. Doctors really do not like patients like me. I tried to rationalize with myself. Maybe you moved to a location where it was harder to find your heartbeat? But after 3 attempts we still got nothing! How does that make any sense? I was devastated. I cried my eyes out and put myself to bed. I laid there as your Daddy came in. We both were trying to sleep, but it was really to no avail. He flipped on the lights and took out the doppler again. I said, no. The baby is not there anymore. He refused to believe. He said, Em baby is there. I know it. We just have to find it. I reluctantly rolled onto my back and let him try again…2 min later…there you were. Beautiful. Perfect. Heart rate 150. I cried again. Where had you been hiding? Relief.
After that whole incident I realized two things. 1. You have the most amazing Daddy in the world. I love him so much and you will too. I hope you get his heart. It’s made of peace, tranquility, and love. 2. I have a love/hate relationship with my fetal doppler. I bought it to give me peace of mind, but not being able to find your heartbeat the other day did the exact opposite. I’ve decided not to check in on you so frequently. I just can’t. If I don’t find you immediately my head goes to a not so healthy place. So that brings me back to the place I hate so much. Insecurity.
I sit here today, knowing that I will not check the fetal doppler but that my next ultrasound appointment is not for another 7 days. In the meantime, I have no idea how you’re doing in there. Are you still with me? Insecure.
I wonder when I will not feel this way. When does it get better? When do moms-to-be feel confident in announcing their little one’s arrival to the world? When do they stop obsessing over every little minute detail of the pregnancy? Maybe it doesn’t ever end. Maybe this is just the beginning of a very long road. I can only be honest with you, my baby, and with myself. This is my truth right now and I have to live it. And so I will.
Today, I am insecure.